blows

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Fu-zu Jen, SEAS/WH, 2003

“Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don’t say.”

~isn’t that right, shortie? XD

Emptiness gradually eats away my soul.

Lost.

Alone.

What has become of my life?

Hopeless.

Despair.

Am I destined to wonder aimlessly in this cruel cruel world?

It’s being a long time since I’ve felt such prolonged loneliness. Maybe it’s my personality. Maybe it’s my inapt ability to adjust to a new environment. Still, I seem to mentally distance myself from acquaintances and friends in this world. These people do not know who I am - they can not see through the asshole mask I put on my face every single day - and as a result, I feel like the outlier.

After finishing my essay, I decided to go to Bruin Cafe for a sandwich… alone. As I journeyed through the lamp-lit streets, I hear the sounds of people obnoxious laughing, out of euphoria and of drunkenness. I hear the symphony of crickets, occasionally interrupted by the zooming of passing cars. 

The cafe’s line was long. Too many people, too many party people… for some reason, at that moment, I despised the mellow environment. No peace, no harmony. I sat alone at a table outside. With every bite I took, I gazed around my surroundings - yellow lights illuminating the mini-city on campus. The wind chilled me to the bone as I was sipping on my soda. I have finally found some peace… until I sniffed the wretched smoke - the smoke of a cigarette. So away I went… away from the people, away from the noise.

Up the stairs I went, down the path I trotted until I found the campus directory. I didn’t know where I want to go… too many choices… so I thought “who gives a shit” and I kept walking… walking under street lamps, under the night sky… alone in the lit sidewalk, but sucked into the deep depths of greater despair. I looked up at the sky a few times and wondered if I should be here, if my random, unorthodox personality belong anywhere in the city.

I thought and thought to myself.

I thought of the blunt, real comments of my college “friends”. I thought of the advice of my true comrades.

I thought of the suggestions of my best friend: “Just be yourself.”

I wondered “how could I be myself?” Such erratic personality did not seem to belong here. My uniqueness has only caused me to sink deeper into darkness, yet I know there are those out there who knew me, knew who Brian Kan actually was. And although I can contact them, they aren’t here, not in this world, a world full of shadows and I’m stuck in between, in the twilight. 

I continued walking under the stars, and came to the realization that for almost a year… I’ve been wondering through a twilight zone, alone in a world with those who do not know me, and those who believe to know me… in a world away from the place I thrived in.

I look up at the stars once again and reminisce of past memories of my childhood and my high school years… they seem to be of a distant memory, each contained in a star, slowly drifting away in the dark sky… each light becoming more and more unreachable… but forever shining in space. That was who I was… and will always be who I am. I continued on… walking between shade as I melt with the darkness under the starry sky.

Time: 12:43 AM

March 24, 2010

Location: My living room

Today (March 23, 2010), I thought my first half of my day would be spoiled by a dental appointment. I got up around 9 AM and I had an eerie feeling. I knew my DS might be in the house… and I found my AR and cord… that asshole took it.

My mom and I left home. We waited a bit in the dental office, but around 11, I was up. The appointment was strange. The dentist first asked if my tooth was hurting, and it was, oddly enough. Then he took 2 more X-rays… before even doing any dental work. He called my mom over and he started telling her stuff in Mandarin. Today got worse, it was spoiled with shit sprayed on it. I had to see a specialist, the dentist cannot remove the root, and apparently, for the 30 years as a dentist, this was the 3rd time he seen someone with my type of root that can’t be easily removed (something like that). Oh, and it will cost over one thousand bucks for surgery… at least my mom was refunded 500 dollars. We then went to get dim sum and … yea my mom told my dad… and yea… I thought I was screwed when he gets home later tonight.

I learned more about ordering in a dim sum restaurant, hooray for my crappy Cantonese. We went home and I searched for my DS… but to no avail… damn I want to play Pokemon ><

NO DS, NO POKEMON, SURGERY ON MY TOOTH >_< FMLLLLLLL

It was around 4 PM… I decided… maybe I should workout. I didn’t feel like it, but I somehow got myself to stretch and off I ran to GCC. Good thing I did… my luck started to change. I saw Alex Verniss by GHS and he was like “ara what are you doing” and I was like “working out foo” and he was like “ara good job man” *high five*. At the corner, I saw the school’s congrats to David Vartanian for getting into Cal Tech, dayum.

I kept running and I was by Wilson when I saw Michelle Merida. Damn, I haven’t seen her in such a long time =O. She had to walk to Orchard Street (where her friend lived) by In-N-Out, so I decided to take a break from my workout. We talked and caught up, Pokemon nerds <3333. Joey and Chris passed us on the way, and they stuck their hands out of the window *high five XD* After 20 minutes of blabbing, Michelle and I parted ways and back to my workout. Damn, I’m going to run over 4 miles, oh well XD.

I was slow but I kept pushing despite my knee nagging me and my shoulder pinch. Once I got over the GCC bridge, it was all downhill from there, half an hour of easy running :D. I ran around my house for my cool down and realized how much I missed running, the joy of seeing friends cheer you on, etc. I miss it, and I want to run again. I miss that lifestyle.

My dad got home later that night, and I was surprised he wasn’t mad. Actually he gave me 50 dollars and wished me Happy Birthday =O . Missak came over around 10 o’clock and we played Magic. Fun times kicking back and just playing cards like nerds, yupp love my childhood. After he left, I went on and realized that Frances IMed me but I thought she fell asleep. >< I was heading to bed around midnight when my phone suddenly rang…

Who would be calling me at midnight… Frances??? I picked up and she cutely said HAPPY BIRTHDAY… right at midnight =O… I totally forgot it was my birthday LOLLLLLLL. Just when I thought my day couldn’t get any better, my best friend wishes me happy birthday as soon as it struck midnight… awww that just made me feel so overwhelmed with happiness… it’s like this strange burst of loving feeling, and I’m glad we are best friends :D

We talked and I told her about my situation with the dentist and stuff… but she said it will be all good… and you know what… I think it will be all good. I think I’m going to make the most of my day, despite two appointments on my birthday. I think I’m going to find a way to make the most of my special day. I don’t know what is going to happen, but I will find a way. I don’t know what is going to happen, I don’t expect a lot to happen, but I know this day will rock. Off to bed I go for now, I need to wake up early…. adieu and goodnight world :D

Time: 1:03 AM

~Brian Kan

I beat the mean score (73%) in my math class and rose my grade like hell!! And this is including the fact that I made dumb errors on my test, too. Woot! (goddam I blew Econ again -_-)

I’m knocking on the door of the last final… I’m almost there… I can make it!

Time: 12:50 A.M.

March 17, 2010 - St. Patrick’s Day

Location: 351 Charles Young Dr., Westwood, CA, 90095, 234 Dykstra Hall

It has been a while since I wrote an entry. Finals seems to be going fine, lots of studying, same ol’. I’m just excited to just finish. And when I do, I’m going to run 4 miles on the track. Woohoo. Tomorrow I have Astronomy Final at 11:30 AM and the next day, my Linear Algebra Final at 3:00 PM. C’mon Brian, you can do this!

And I think I’m going to celebrate with pizza, gelatto, and I hope I can kick it with Yuta on Friday. Weeee hang out ;D

This week’s been hectic, I’m so glad Midnight forgives my stupidity, and I’m so glad she is my best friend :D, hope you have fun at NYC. It seems finals are getting the best of my friends…. c’mon guys, don’t give up! Alright… time to go back to study, and when my finals are over… Spring Break baby!

Time: 12:57 AM

All over again ~ Jackie Boyz